I'm taking a risk. I'm putting myself in a vulnerable position. I'm not sure what people will think, but here goes. I suffer from anxiety disorder. There. I said it. I'm sharing this because maybe it will help someone. Maybe you'll realize you're not alone. Or maybe you'll gain some insight into what one of "your people" experiences. 

What Is Anxiety?

Anxiety is a natural human reaction to perceived danger. A useful emotion, it stimulates us to prepare for high-alert situations.

What Is An Anxiety Disorder?

Anxiety Disorders are mental illnesses characterized by a constant sense of worry and fear that often gets in the way of daily activity. Where general anxiety is a normal and healthy emotional response, anxiety disorders occur when anxiety becomes excessive, overwhelming and crippling for an individual.

Defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders V (DSM-V), the most common anxiety disorders are:

• Panic Disorder (Panic Attacks)
• Phobias
• Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
• Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD)
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)*
• Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)*

Me? I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder. When my doctor gave me her medical book opened to the page on GAD and told me to read it, I couldn't believe it. Could. Not. Believe. It. Holy crap. There was a name for what I'm feeling! I wasn't crazy after all. And I wasn't alone. It was a relief, actually.

Symptoms Of Anxiety Disorders

Different types of anxiety disorders elicit individual symptoms. Common symptoms of anxiety disorders include:

• Sensations of panic and uneasiness for no apparent reason
• Obsessive thoughts
• Ritualistic behavior
• Trouble sleeping
• Muscle tension
• Inability to remain calm

Me? Muscle tension, trouble sleeping, sensations of panic/uneasiness were the most common things I experienced. Oh, and a need to double-triple-quadruple check things...

What Is Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)?

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is a psychiatric disorder characterized by a constant sense of worry and fear that interferes with daily life. Commonly referred to by psychiatrists as "free floating anxiety," people with GAD find it difficult to control feelings of nervousness and worry.

Yep. Bulls-eye.

What Causes Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)?

The direct cause of generalized anxiety disorder is still unknown. It is understood, however, that the following factors can contribute towards an induced risk of an anxiety disorder:

• Chemical imbalances
• Long-lasting stress
• Family history of anxiety
• Trauma
• Abuse of biological agents such as alcohol, drugs, or prescription medication

Me? I'm guessing long-lasting stress and trauma.

Anxiety attacks can come out of nowhere. A few years ago I thought I was having a heart attack. Like for three nights in a row, when I got in to bed, my heart was beating out of control and I had this sense of dread. I was so worried that people around me were going to die. I decided that I probably was NOT having a heart attack, because it would be pretty unlikely if the heart attack happened just at night, almost at the same time, over a span of three-plus days. Still, I asked my counselor about it and he said I was having a panic attack. I was surprised because I thought that when you have a panic attack, you're in a ball, huddled on the floor or in a corner, shaking. He said yes, that's true, that can happen. Not always, though. He also assured me that nobody has ever died from a panic attack, even though that's what it feels like. "Huh," is what I thought to myself. Interesting.

Anxiety is exhausting. It wipes me out. When I feel triggers and alarms going off, it's horrible. I know it's coming and I know I have to ride it out. I'm learning coping skills, which my doctor (ok, she's a psychiatrist!) tells me I need to do.

And you know what one of the worst things is? I worry about my worry! How ridiculous does that sound? What's wrong with me? What will people think? What do I think? It's torture, that stuff that goes on in my brain. Unless you've experienced it, it's very hard to understand what I'm talking about or describing. Then I found this, which might explain things a little better:

Breaking Free From Anxiety Stigma: What Is Mental Health Stigma And How Can You Overcome It?

Social Stigma And Internalized Stigma

Mental health stigma can be separated into two categories: social stigma and self stigma. Social stigma includes all tropes, stereotypes, and negative prejudices surrounding clinical anxiety that are held by society at large. When people with anxiety are casually dismissed as 'crazy', that's social stigma talking. When they're preemptively considered dangerous or a threat to society, this also falls under the fault of social stigma. When their opinions aren't taken seriously because of their disorder—you get the idea.  A 2010 survey of adolescents with mental health disorders found that 46 percent experienced unfair judgment from family members because of their disorders. Sixty-two percent experienced the same stigmatization from their peers. Social stigma is harmful for those with anxiety and is a significant catalyst for self stigma. 

Self stigma is when those who suffer from anxiety disorders turn the criticism inward. When sufferers think less of themselves because of their disorder and when they assume others will see them negatively because of their mental health, it's a self-induced shame. Studies show that self stigma is proven to negatively affect professional success, foster low self-esteem, and isolate its victims from social interaction.

Me? I feel both these kinds of stigma. Much more so the self stigma, though. I worry what those around me think. Do they think I'm weak? That I can't handle things? Will their confidence in me diminish? Do they think I'm too sensitive? Is there something wrong with me? When I'm in the midst of a panic attack, these feelings rise right up to the top. They become my reality, even though I'm perceiving them and they aren't true. That's what anxiety does to me. Sucks. And then the episode passes and things are good. Oh, and it's very difficult to explain or describe exactly how I feel when I'm anxious because my mind tends to dismiss those thoughts. Which is a good thing. Because feeling them is not fun and I'm glad I can't "get them back" so-to-speak.

So, there you have it. A little peek into my head. GAD is not who I am, but it is a part of me. I wish I didn't have it, but it's ok. The key is for me to use it as an advantage (believe it or not, it can be done!) and not let it cripple me. Working on that always. Hopefully you won't judge me. Or if you do judge me, please keep it to yourself. 'Cause I'm sensitive that way ;)